I am writing this post because my pregnancy with Asher has been a tough one and I don't want to forget all that we have been through and have learned through this process. I went back and counted around 28 appointments over the past 37 weeks of pregnancy. Please pray alongside us as we prepare to meet him on Monday, October 2nd at 7:30am via c-section.
20 weeks
We went in for our sonogram feeling pretty confident because had already done the blood work to find out gender as well as any other genetic abnormalities and everything had come back good. Everything looked great but the sonographer noticed that my amniotic fluid levels were slightly elevated. My OB said it was not something to be concerned about but she wanted me to see a maternal fetal medicine doctor because they have access to much better sonogram machines.
23 weeks
Met with the MFM doctor and the sonogram didn't reveal anything wrong with Asher, that they could see. He seemed to be perfectly fine anatomically but my fluid levels were higher than normal but not too alarming yet. They wanted me to eat like I had diabetes just in case that was the cause of my elevated fluid and in the mean time get the results back from my gestational diabetes test that I would take at my OB's office in the next few weeks.
26 weeks
Gestational diabetes test came back negative. MFM doctor wanted me to have blood work done to determine if I had passed on an infection to Asher. At this point we are just trying to figure out any cause for the elevated amniotic fluid levels. That test comes back negative as well.
28 weeks
My fluid levels are starting to rise at a more drastic rate which is cause for concern for the doctors. Again, they can't "see" anything on the sonogram that is the obvious cause of it so his best guess is that there is something going on with the esophagus/trachea that is keeping Asher from swallowing and peeing out the right amount of fluid.
29 weeks
Since the fluid is continuing to rise and is now putting me at higher risk of preterm labor the doctor sends me to Children's to get a fetal MRI. He said that he would be shocked if they found anything wrong with Asher's brain but at this point we needed to start looking at his brain and heart. A couple days later I sit in an MRI machine for an hour. We go into the room to meet with the radiologist and she basically says "There is fluid around his brain but I have never seen this so I don't know what is going on." Not what you want an experienced and incredibly smart radiologist to tell you. We were devastated because we know that there is something going on in his brain that is keeping him from swallowing correctly but the doctors don't know the extent of the damage.
Brian wrote this in an email to our close friends and family. He is so much better with words and I never want to forget the raw and vulnerable feelings we felt right after finding all of this out.
"I think all of us picture our life going a certain way. I think most picture going to a good college, getting a good job, getting married and having a great marriage, having healthy kids who grow up to do the same, and growing old with your wife. I have always known that we have no guarantees of that, but to be honest, up to this point of my life, most things have kind of gone according to plan. I have an incredible wife, I absolutely love my job, and we have two beautiful and healthy kids. Finding this news about Asher has been just an absolute punch to the soul. All of my future hopes and plans are now in question. As I sit here this morning, I have absolutely no idea what the future will hold. I don’t know if we are going to have to bury my son, if we are going to figure out a new normal of taking care of an extremely disabled son, or if somehow everything will be okay.
Over the past few days we have had moments of laughter and normalcy and then lots of waves of emotions and fears. The thing I have been clinging to is my relationship with Jesus Christ. In the midst of the storm, he is my only hope. Through agony, I am clinging to the truth that God is good, that God loves us, that God hates disease and death, that God hurts with me, that this is not an act of God’s wrath toward me, that God is with me. I don’t understand God’s purpose in this, but I believe that God works all things together for good. I believe that even what the enemy means for evil, he uses it for good. My hope is that whatever happens next, we would cling to Jesus during this time.
I am praying for complete healing of Asher. I just have to believe that if God created everything and raised Jesus from the dead that he can heal Asher’s brain. I have been thinking about Jesus in the garden praying “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” I am praying for healing, and trusting that God will accomplish his purposes regardless of the outcome.
This morning I read in 1 Peter this verse: “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I am praying that God would do exactly this for us. As we were going through our miscarriages, at church, I heard a song called “Sovereign Over us” for the first time. It wrecked me then, and I have been playing it on repeat this past week. Here are the lyrics:
There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting
You're sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding
You're teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper
You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
You're faithful forever
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You are wisdom unimagined
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the Heavens
Reaching down in endless grace
You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good and for Your glory
Even in the valley, You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good and for Your glory
Again, thanks so much for your prayers and love."
30 weeks
They schedule me for an amniocentesis because my fluid levels are at 59 when normal range is in the 20's. Thankfully they allow me to delay the procedure for a day so that I can be there to take Tyler to his first day of school. I send him off to school and drive down to Baylor to check in to the hospital. I have been given 2 rounds of steroid shots just in case the procedure sends me into labor. I sit around in L&D until 6:00pm when the doctor comes over to start the procedure. They prepared me and said that the needle would probably burn and I would have some cramping but the entire thing was so painful. Asher is so active (because he has so much room to swim around) and I was contracting during the procedure which just made for a not so pleasant experience. They were monitoring him via sonogram the entire time but were only able to get me from 59 to 45. They have to be careful with how much fluid they remove so that they don't send me into labor or Asher into distress. They were pleased with the results and will send the fluid off for more testing but predict we will have to repeat the process in possibly a week.
31 weeks
I went to my weekly sonogram and the doctor told me that he had already called L&D so they would be prepped and ready for me to have another amniocentesis after my appt. He did the sonogram and my levels had DROPPED! They were in the 30's which is the lowest they have been since around 20 weeks. Praise the Lord, no amniocentesis this week. We also had a fetal echo and it came back looking great. Finally a good report!
32-33 weeks
My fluid levels have stayed at 34!
35 weeks
We had our consultation with the pediatric neurologist at Children's to go over our MRI results as well as to talk through our plan of care once Asher is born. Her "diagnosis" was that the MRI showed Asher has an intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH), or brain bleed, and extra fluid in the cerebral spinal fluid spaces around the brain (not necessarily indicative of hydrocephalus). There are still A LOT of unknowns at this point that we just won't have answers to until Asher is born and they can run more tests on him. I will be delivering via c-section at 37 weeks and thankfully they will allow Asher to stay in the NICU at Baylor (assuming he is breathing/eating normally) until I am discharged. Again, assuming he is breathing/eating normally we will both be sent home together. He will have a follow up at Children's with the neurologist about a month after birth. My fluid has continued to stay in the mid 30's so we are all anxious to see what is going on!
